


The Love I Meant to Say

by blueoleandar93



Series: Some Assembly Required [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Baby Hank being cute and adorable and precious, Derek Morgan is daddy af, Flirty!Morgan, Frustrated!Reid, I consider this in character behavior but hey thats just me, Jealousy, M/M, Married!Morgan, Nanny AU, PTSD, Post Season 11, Reid agrees, Season 11 Finale Coda, Spencer got a big 'ol crush, Unrequited Love, babysitting au, internalized anger issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-18 12:57:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12388551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueoleandar93/pseuds/blueoleandar93
Summary: In this second installment of Some Assembly Required, Spencer struggles to process what happened between him, Derek, and Hank in "What To Expect When Your Unrequited Love Is Expecting".





	The Love I Meant to Say

**Author's Note:**

> A companion piece. 
> 
>  
> 
> Reid's head is in a strange place in this story, and the way he handles his emotions isn't exactly healthy, but it's human in its own little way. I'm experimenting with writing emotion that bleeds through in a realistic sort of way -- which is kind of hard to do when you consider all of the things Reid has gone through, making him one of the most complex characters to write for. I have a long ways to go, but I appreciate y'all for bearing with me. 
> 
> XOXO,  
> Blue

After putting Hank to bed, Morgan and Reid had dinner together. Nothing special or fancy, just leftovers Morgan had cooked the night before paired with discount boxed wine, but it was delicious. They ate on the couch with the blues droning on in the distance, baby monitor set up just in case Hank were to wake and cry for them. Fortunately, the kid stayed down. Morgan and Reid had a wonderful conversation, really, truly catching up.

Although it didn’t feel like it, Morgan had missed a lot.

It was hard to see that look of disappointment in his eyes when Reid told him of all the adventures and drama he hadn’t been there for. But, Morgan glanced at the baby monitor and the smile returned to his lips. He was happy -- here --  with the baby. And that was priceless, Reid now knows.

When they’d finished the food and the wine, Morgan led Reid to the guest room and they lingered by the door for a bit, not quite willing to part. Reid felt Morgan’s fingers brush against his when they finally said goodnight, and his heart sang in his chest. When the door closed and they’d parted for the night, Reid rested his back against the big wooden door and sighed. He glanced down at his hand, feeling the ghost of Morgan’s touch.

Rest didn’t come easily at first. His mind was racing and his blood was boiling with emotion. The baby monitor on the bedside dresser sounded with Hank’s soft wails and Reid pushed himself out of bed without even thinking. He headed to the baby’s nursery in nothing but a pair of loose boxers and a tee shirt, entering the room to see Hank already finding comfort in the arms of his father. Morgan glanced up at Reid from where he was cradling his fussy infant son, letting out a sleepy flirtatious smile, “Nice legs, kid.”

Blushing and pushing his bed touseled hair out of his face, Reid asked, "Need any help?"

"Nope. Go on back to sleep. You have work in the morning." Morgan said softly as he kissed Hank's forehead and walked him to the changing table, passing a wink Reid's way, "Or, you could keep strutting around in your undies. You're real good at that."

Reid rolled his eyes and turned to leave the room.

Morgan whistled from behind him, "Sweet Moses! Look at that booty."

Stopping at the door, Reid reminded him, "Derek. Your baby."

Morgan answered easily as a smile crept up onto his face, "Boy, you know damn well he'll be here when I stop looking at you. So, don't even try to come at me like that. With your cute ass. Looking like a midnight snack. Just wanna nibble on ya."

"Don't break your neck staring then," Reid replied snidely as he headed back to bed leaving Morgan with his mouth hanging open in surprise.

The ex-agent didn’t need his help. Hank was already calming down and, from the smell of it, on his way to a diaper change. Reid wasn’t eager for that aspect of childcare, but Morgan waved it off, so for now it wasn’t his problem. But, Reid tiptoed back toward the room, casting a glance inside before leaving it once more. Morgan was tired, but grinning down at his sleepy baby, finger caught in Hank’s tiny grip. He couldn’t help but think as he watched them, _his boys_.

He slept like a rock after that.

\---

Morning came early for him. He had to be at work by 7:30 and it was a half hour drive from where he was at Morgan’s, so he needed to be up before the sun to make it there on time. When he rose and dressed, Morgan was still sleeping. He padded past the nursery to check on Hank, who was sleeping soundly with a drooling smile. Reid’s heart swelled in his chest. He was perfect. Reid tore his eyes away from him, minding the time before walking to Morgan’s room to let him know he was leaving.

Morgan sprawled out across the bed, topless in a pair of grey basketball shorts, face pressed into the pillow as he snored like a tugboat. Reid let out a little chuckle. Morgan was not perfect. But, that didn’t make him any less cute. Reid tip toed over to Morgan’s bed, holding his satchel close to his chest as he leaned over it. He poked Morgan’s back, whispering, “Hey… hey, Derek…”

A snort muffled against the pillow under his face as he jerked awake, “Hmm?!”

Reid laughed quietly, “Dude, I gotta go.”

“Huh...” Morgan turned slowly, pushing off of the pillow to squint at Reid in his newly roused stupor, “Wait, what? Why? Where are you going?”

Reid smiled, feeling his face heat up as Morgan reached out for his hand, lacing their fingers together, “I’ve got work soon.”

Morgan asked with a frown, “We’re not having breakfast together?”

Reid swung their joined hands lightly, “I can’t make it, I’m sorry. I have to be in at 7:30. I gotta run.”

Morgan sighed sadly, kissing the back of Reid’s hand before sprawling back out onto the bed face first, “Fine. Whatever. Leave me if you must!”

“You’re so dramatic, oh, my God.” Reid rolled his eyes as he chuckled, “I’ll be back tomorrow night.”

Morgan complained into the pillow, “That’s so long.”

Reid smirked, “I’ll bring beer...”

Morgan replied, “Ugh, you better stop saying that shit, okay? I rarely leave my house and basically never have any fun. I’ll get really disappointed if you’re playing me.”

Reid leaned back and tugged Morgan’s hand, trying to get free, “Can you get off of me? I have a schedule.”

Morgan snickered, “Ooh. Tough Guy over here is too scared to break the cycle of his perfectly planned day. Are you going to get an _attitude_ with me?”

Reid complained, “Not funny. Give me my hand back.”

Morgan replied casually, “I can't. I'm too sleepy.”

Reid tried to snatch his hand back as if it were on fire, eyes growing large as he stared at Morgan, “I am going to be LATE.”

“I know.” Morgan started to laugh, gripping his hand harder and tugging him into the bed.

Reid glared at him on the bed, cheeks burning as he tried to grab his arm back among the sheets that smelled too much like the pleasant Shea Butter lotion Morgan uses, “Okay, ha ha. You got me. Now you gotta let me go.”

Morgan stayed silent, the grip around his hand tightening.

Reid smacked Morgan’s shoulder with his free hand, “Derek, I have to leave right now. I’m not playing with you!”

“Ooh, you’re not playing with me, huh?” Morgan snickered, letting Reid’s hand fall out of his so that he could flip Reid onto his back and attack him with tickles, “How’s that for playing with me? Bam! Wham! Getcha in the stomach!” Reid flailed and erupted in laughter as Morgan’s fingers danced up and around his navy blue Oxford shirt. Morgan teased, “There’s that smile! -- ooh, someone’s been doing crunches!”

Reid pushed at his hands as he laughed, feeling Morgan’s weight on him as the retired agent straddled him with all he had, pinning him to the bed. Morgan changed up his attack and headed for the arm pits, grabbing one of Reid’s feet with the other hand and tickling there too. Smacking his hands on Morgan’s chest, Reid cackled, “Stop it! Stop it!”

Morgan grinned playfully, “Oh, yeah? You want me to stop? Flip me.”

Reid panted, breathless, “And just how am I supposed to do that? You have a black belt.”

Morgan shrugged, grabbing Reid’s hands in his and pushing them into the bed, “Yeah, I know. You’re going to fail, and it’s going to be hilarious.”

Reid looked up at his friend with a sour glare, “That’s not fair.”

Morgan patted Reid on the cheek fondly, smiling down at him from above, where he was still straddling Reid, “But it’ll be so cute to see you try.”

Reid smirked, “I bet I’ll be real cute when I tell everybody you made me late for work, and you get six messages from the team expressing their deep, deep disappointment in you. Hotch might even send a strongly worded email. You loved those so much. I bet he’ll have a field day with his semi colons.”

“You’ll tell them _how_ I made you late though, right? You’ll explain that I totally owned your ass in a tickle fight?” Morgan chuckled, “And don't forget to let 'em know about that shriek-chuckle-laugh you did when I got you in the pits.”

“Stop being weird.” Reid pushed Morgan off of him and forced himself out of the bed.

Morgan smirked, calling out in his Chicago accent, “I will when you stop being so damn cute.”

Reid glared at him.

Morgan raised his hands in surrender, “What?”

Reid rolled his eyes, “You’re married.”

“Yeah, I’m aware.” Morgan winked, “She ain’t gotta know everything.”

Reid sighed, giving up, “Okay. Whatever. I’m off to save America. I’ll see you tomorrow.” and made his way briskly out of the door, his blush taking over his neck now,.

Morgan called out, “I’ll text you pictures of Hankie.”

Reid replied back, “Can’t wait.”

 

\----

 

Reid stumbled into the bullpen with an extra large cup of coffee slopping a piping hot dribble down the edges of the cup as he chugged and pushed open the door at the same time. He wasn’t late. He was so freaking close to being late, but he wasn’t. Eyes crazed and rimmed dark with exhaustion, Reid pushed his hair out of his face and made his way to his desk. He put down the coffee and tossed his satchel onto the floor, easing into his wheelie chair back as if it were a yoga mat. He let out a long breath and closed his eyes, leaning forward to rub at his temples.

Moments later, he heard the sound of a pen tapping at the divider on the edge of his desk. Reid jolted awake, startled by the loud noise and hearing gunshots ringing in his ears. He took a deep breath and grabbed onto the desk hard with his fingers, staring back at the pen with wide eyes as he reminded himself it was just a person getting his attention and he didn’t need to be afraid. He held the breath and breathed out, following the exercises his therapist told him about and letting out a quiet, “Whatdoyouwant?”

JJ gasped, bringing the pen up to her chest and holding it there as she apologized, “Oh, shoot. I’m so sorry. Shouldn’t have snuck up on you.”

Reid shrugged it off, “It’s cool. I’m cool.”

JJ worried, “You sure?”

Reid smirked, “Yeah. What’s up?”

JJ grinned down at him, “I was just wondering... how was your first night with a five week old infant?”

Reid growled, “I don’t think I’ve ever been more tired in my life. He’s so cute and his laugh is like sunshine, but when he cries, my ears feel like they’re bleeding.”

JJ started to laugh, “Imagine having _two_ kids.”

Reid sighed, “Nope. One is more than enough, trust me.”

JJ gasped with a smile, “Damn. Hank was that bad?”

“No, he was great! I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s a handful and a half, but... I loved it.” Reid grimaced, grabbing his coffee and taking another long drag of it, “Hank is the sweetest baby in the entire world, and he’s so strong and he’s so smart and he’s such a good kid. He eats literally whatever you feed him and he doesn’t fuss. He takes his baths real simple. He loves his toys. He doesn’t hit, he doesn’t bite. He’s literally perfect. Except for when he poops. Because he poops a lot. Like every hour. And it’s always so messy. Like, it’s not solid like regular poop it’s like--”

JJ made a face and held up a hand, “Trust me, I get it--”

Reid added with a gross sense of wonder, “It’s slippery. And just way too wet. Like you open his diaper and it’s like Niagra Falls in that thing.”

JJ flicked her pen cap at Reid for the unnecessary detail, “So, how’s Morgan? You know. How’s he adjusting to parenthood?”

Reid smiled, “He’s amazing. He loves it. I thought I’d seen him happy before, but gosh, Jayje. You gotta see him with that baby. He just lights up like… like it’s the best day of his life. Every day. When he sees Hank and when he holds him, it’s so unbelievably cute. Oh, man. Hank looks just like him. And they love each other so much. Oh, my God…” Reid let out a long yawn, “And, I’m going back to see him tomorrow, so… I kind of can’t wait for that.”

JJ smirked, “Ooh… you can’t wait, huh?”

“Don’t. He’s married.” Reid glared, hushing his voice.

JJ added an extra long, “ _Scandalous_.”

Reid folded his arms, “I regret telling you anything.”

“No, you don’t.” JJ leaned over the desk, whispering, “So, on a scale of John Legend to Chris Hemsworth, how much of a DILF is Morgan now?”

Reid put his head in his hands and sighed, “He’s surpassed any measurable quotient of hotness. I mean, he’s always been cute, but when he was with me and the baby he was just so happy and sweet and it just elevated his sexiness by at least seven thousand percent. And, he made dinner, it was freaking delicious. And, we talked and had such a nice conversation.” Reid added, “And, we put the baby to sleep together and he touched my waist and my heart jumped out of my chest and onto the floor.”

JJ’s eyes widened as she hissed out, “Oh, my fucking God, dude! He _touched_ your waist?! How did he do it?! Details, details!”

Reid blushed and shrugged, grabbing his coffee cup once more, “He barely did. I mean, I’m probably overspeculating. It was just kind of romantic yesterday because we were in the nursery and the baby was sleeping and we were watching him sleep in my arms and kind of cuddling a little--”

JJ paused, “ _Kind of cuddling?_ ”

Reid replied easily, “Yeah.”

She asked quietly, “While you were watching the baby sleep?”

Reid nodded, “Yep.”

JJ raised an eyebrow, “Spence. You do get how that’s… um. Well… we were having fun and gossiping and calling Morgan hot and all, but… _that’s_ a little… not cool.”

Reid answered, “Oh, yeah. I know. I’m whipping myself as we speak.”

JJ raised her hand and pinched the bridge of her nose, “I know this is going to sound bad, but... talking about him like we were was okay because you didn’t have a chance with him. You do understand that, right?”

Reid yelped, “What makes you think I have a chance with him?”

“Are you serious? He was actually cuddling up to you while holding his sleeping infant baby--” she lowered her voice and glared at him from over the divider, “Men don’t usually do that with their nannies or friends or anyone, actually, other than their baby’s mother. They’re territorial over their children, especially when their baby is sleeping. The fact that he not only shared that with you, but literally invited you into that moment… that’s a red flag, man.”

Reid complained, wincing and leaning back in his chair, “What kind of red flag are we talking about, here. This is uncharted territory, Jay. You know how depressing my love map is.”

JJ leaned back and sighed, fixing her hair in a huff, “Look, Spence. I don’t know. But, it’s not good. I mean, it’s good, but it’s not good. Do you know what I mean?”

Reid shook his head, “No.”

“Jesus, Spencer, don’t make me spell it out for you.” JJ clapped her hands at the blaspheme, “He hugged you while rocking his baby to sleep. And you said you got some vibes from it. _You_ \-- a guy who wouldn’t know if a _hooker_ was hitting on him. Dude.”

Reid replied, “What? So you think he likes me or something?”

JJ gasped, “Likes you? I think he freaking loves you.”

Reid answered flatly, “Well, I do recall him saying that I was the best little brother he could ever ask for, and then yesterday, he called me Hank's big brother. So, you might be reaching there.”

JJ’s shoulders slumped as she groaned out, “Oh… that sucks. I mean, that makes me feel a little bit better, but that sucks.”

“And, now, after spending time with him in a domestic setting, I now realize that I want to--” Reid stopped himself, “This is so wrong. I shouldn’t even say it.”

JJ answered, “Say it.”

Reid finished, “I want to take Savannah’s place. I want to have his baby and his ring and a spot in his bed and in his life and, I want…” Reid hung his head, “It doesn’t matter. It’s never going to happen, and even on the off chance that it did… what about Savannah? What about Hank? You should see how he cries whenever his mother leaves him. And, she has got to hate being away from her family. I’m such a homewrecker. I should call Morgan and tell him I have to cancel--”

JJ glared at Reid, snatching his hand away from the phone on his desk, “Don’t you dare. Look. This is messy, okay? It is. But, you’re building a relationship with baby Hank. He is literally named after you. You can’t skip out on him.”

Reid hung his head, “I’m not skipping out on Hank. I’m just… giving me and his married father some space, so that I don’t fall deeper in love with him and ruin his marriage.”

JJ replied easily, “You won’t ruin his marriage. Morgan’s the most loyal guy in creation. He’d never cheat on his wife.”

Reid grimaced, “JJ, I know. But, if he finds out that I have feelings for him, he’d feel obligated to tell Savannah, and she wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her bisexual husband alone with a man who has loved him years before they even met! I wouldn’t! I mean, I am so…” Reid glanced around him to make sure no one was listening, and lowered his voice, “I could hide at work, because I could always make excuses about being busy, but there? In his house? Helping him raise this beautiful child? It… it might be too much for me to bear. He’ll either figure me out and tell his wife, or I’ll end up crying into a pillow in his guest room every night. And, you know what? That sucks too!”

She sighed and reached forward, patting his head, “Damn that’s a shit show.”

Reid complained, “I know. If he doesn’t love me back, I’m fucked. If he does love me back, I’m fucked. It’s an uncanny situation. The best thing I can think of right now is to just… quit. And become one of those uncles Hank barely knows or remembers at Christmas parties.”

\---

Reid never begs for a case. He hopes all is right with the world, and no lives are hanging in the balance, waiting for the team to jump in. But, today, he’s on his knees. Well… not literally. He’s more crouched at his desk, filling out case files from their last mission and silently hoping God, Allah, Vishnu, or whomever is out there to give Hotch a reason to tell them that their wheels are up in twenty. But, nothing happens.

It’s a boring day.

Reid works his eight hours, and that’s it. He had lunch in the office with JJ and Rossi. They ordered paninis and told silly anecdotes while they ate. Apparently, Rossi had a meeting with his publisher that afternoon. He’s officially working on his next book. But, no matter the needling and prodding, he kept his lips zipped about the subject matter. Reid and JJ shared a glance as they munched on their sandwiches, knowing full and damn well it was another true crime novel.  But, hey it’s proven to sell, and the old guy has more than his fair share of stories to tell.

Before he goes, he visits Penelope in her lair. She was fixing her lipstick in her webcam and turned to smile at him, telling him all about the cute things her new cat was doing. It was a Tortoise Shell kitten, and her name was Sprinkles. They looked gorgeous together.

Sooner or later, he had to leave the office. It was getting late, and he’d been avoiding checking his phone all day. He knew the second he looked at it, he’d be confronted by the very thing he’d been trying to run from all day. Reid clocked out and hurried out of the building after everyone else has left. He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket as the elevator descended, and when he walked past the receptionist at the front desk, he waved goodbye.

Eyes prickling, he rushed to his car, feeling choked by the air around him. He stumbled through the garage, holding his tears until he got to his rust green Camry. He fished his key out of his pocket with shaky, clammy hands, missing the lock on his door several times before finally clicking it open. Reid swung the door open, threw his bag inside and sat down hard, slamming the door behind him as he tried to catch his breath. His body was trembling harder than the phone vibrating in his back pocket.

He cracked. He pulled out his phone and stared at the screen as Morgan’s name flashed at him.

Morgan was calling.

Reid swiped left, declining the call, letting the tears fall. He shuddered against the steering wheel, clutching it as he moaned out a sob. Reid tugged at his tie, loosening it as he collapsed into his tears, beating himself up inside for feeling this much. For fuck’s sake. He’s in love with a married man. With a baby. This is sad. This is… ridiculous. And, it was Reid’s life.

He wishes he could just rip the love out of his chest and feel absolutely nothing. But, then he remembers how amazing he felt when Hank was sleeping in his arms with Morgan by his side, and he just…

Reid let out another pitiful sob as he wiped his wet, blotchy cheeks, slapping his hands against the steering wheel, screaming out with every smack, “Stupid! Stupid! Idiot! He’s married! And, she’s perfect! And, you’re _nothing_!” Reid turned his head to see his own tear stained, blotchy reflection in the rear view mirror, repeating slowly as he looked into his own eyes, “You’re nothing.”

Breathing in a big gulp of air, Reid pulled a handkerchief out of his shirt pocket and wiped harshly at his own face in a dull attempt to clean himself up. He started the car and put the windows down as he pulled out of his parking spot, driving up to the gate, watching it lift up with dead eyes. He could barely even feel the wind on his own face as he drove in the direction of his lonely apartment. Before he did, he pulled into a fast food restaurant and ordered himself a large chili cheese fry.

He needs some dairy.

Now.

Before he could change his mind again, he ordered a chocolate milkshake.

Sugar plus dairy plus chocolate. Mmm.

That’ll help.

It always helps.

Reid drove away with his small bounty, mentally preparing himself to sit on his couch and watch TV until he passes out. His phone started buzzing again. Reid ignored it, each vibration feeling like a jolt of energy to his spine. He parked inside his gated lot, and grabbed his keys, food, and satchel. His sneakers scraped against the sidewalk, lobby, and stairs as he made his way to his apartment on the second floor. He unlocked his door and flipped the lock back over when he made it inside.

Tossing his bag and his fries down on the couch, Reid toed off his shoes and took a deep sip of the milkshake. His mouth was flooded with ice cream and chocolate sauce and it tasted the way he wished he felt right now. Reid set it down and stripped on his way to his bedroom, pressing his finger against the iHome in his hallway, turning on the music. He’d left it on shuffle a few days ago, and didn’t care what song was going to come on as long as it was some form of noise. When he’d gotten down to his undershirt, he noticed Hiatus Kaiyote’s “The Lung” was playing. He liked that one.

Reid let out a brief smile as he changed into his pajamas, nodding his head to it as he headed back into the living room.

His cell phone was buzzing on the kitchen table.

He left it there.

**Author's Note:**

> This might be one of those stories that I keep chipping at and adding to in little short ways like this, but I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it at this point. I write sad stuff, but Reid's heartbreak isn't easy to write. Unlike the CM writers, I consider him my precious bb and find it hard to hurt him. Especially when his true love is involved. Ugh the feels...


End file.
